Mona Miller's Forum2009-01-07T02:13:39ZMona MillerCopyright 2009, Mona MillerSPHPBLOGSecrecy vs. PrivacyShow Airdate: December 28, 2008
Secrecy creates insanity!!!!
Privacy needs rights, and has boundaries!!!
Privacy is something that can only happen to the individual. When an intrusion of privacy occurs, the privacy itself is made void. Again, just as secrets can be harmful, so can over protectiveness - called privacy.
When people defend their privacy they are not talking about the huge skeletons in the closet; for example, a man who will keep one or two other families without the knowledge of either of the women. Or the women who will never tell a man that the ‘child’ he is busy fathering is someone else’s.
Who needs to tell their partner that they always over-budget so that they can have extra money to spend on themselves? I overspend and my parents or spouse don’t know, but they will be held accountable.
Who wants to tell their husband or wife that they wished he or she performed like so and so in bed?
Some people will tell you that there is no need to keep anything from your partner.
When is it healthy to share all of ourselves?
What is intimacy? In- to- me- I- see! Then I can see into you!
If you usually tell the same to your best friends, then you can tell it to your spouse?
Are you a Welcomer or Blocker of Truth?
Are you Emotional or Feeling?
Mona's book and workbook...” Invisible Warfare ” will show you how to process this.
Can you show and tell all?
When your partner knows that there is nothing you can hide from them, they will also not have reason to hide anything from you. That way, there are no barriers or power struggles!
As The Story Goes - Darth Vader started in the light then got lost in pain and confusion as he was seduced by the dark side. He was fooled into thinking that going to the Dark Side would save his wife because he secretly married her. It was his deep-rooted concern for her safety that became his greatest weakness, one that others were able to exploit.
Although fictional, like Darth Vader, we can all get lost in the dark because we don’t process our pain or confusion.
Our power source as human beings comes from the blending of the light and dark, the gentle and powerful. Power can be used to create or destroy. Destruction can be seen as positive or negative. Darkness can be terrifying or magnificent.
Your deeper self knows that ‘creating’ is a constant dance between heaven and hell, yin and yang, intuitive and rational, head and gut and heart. And, in that dance, there is no right and wrong - no like and dislike; there is simply being and dancing the passionate dance.
”The Creativity is faithfulness to the art of mirroring your Dark side.”
The dark side is a label attached to psychological material that lies in the shadows of consciousness and even deeper, buried in the unconscious. Your dark side's memories, feelings and behaviors hold some of the most fertile ground for your creative expression.
You can call the dark side by a variety of names, including shadow self or disowned self, which means those parts of self that the Inner Critic / Self Beat, deems too much for someone to face. The Inner Critic will force you to “disown” what could be the truest part of you. For your disowned shadow or dark side holds some of the most vital parts of what makes you -> you.
In this light, then, you might call your dark side or shadow material your True Self.
If you know a secret the rest of the world doesn't, it can drive you nuts.
Secret keepers may become uncommunicative, withdraw from others, exhibit strange moods and even isolate themselves completely.
Secret keeping is immensely stressful; it has well-documented effects on things like immune function and even longevity.
Does knowing this information make my inner life feel brighter or darker?
If you're holding a malignant secret, you may feel as though other aspects of your life are being pulled down into darkness. This is the case for many people who've been abused or the victim of serious trauma. After decades of silence, the secret will still dominate the center of their consciousness, dimming their capacity for openness and intimacy.
Am I afraid that keeping this secret may allow someone to be harmed?
Before I give someone information, I make sure they have skill to understand and process this information first. That's why people hurt themselves or even kill themselves when receiving information.
There is a responsibility to giving and receiving info.
Do I find myself in situations where I often want to tell?
The gravitational pull of secrets works both ways. Opportunities to reveal dark secrets seem to come up repeatedly, in part because these secrets so dominate our psychological landscape.
Ignoring opportunities to tell won't feel honorable -- it usually feels like lying. It divides you from others and makes you avoid certain subjects or even people. (The only honorable silence involves keeping harmless gossip to yourself.)
The right way to tell...
If you're troubled by a secret talk about it with an unbiased counselor -- such as a mental health professional, trusted religious adviser, or attorney.
Taking a safe person into your confidence dulls the isolating edge of a secret -- defuses the desire to gossip.
Secret keepers are people whose secrets have power over them and make them misbehave, become sick, or violate others. Often hard-working professionals or family men and women, they are high-functioning on one level but in bondage to deeply held secrets on another. We read about these folks who steal hours away from their productive lives in the daily news:
• A university professor of religious studies is found with more than 4,200 Internet photos of child porn on his work computer
• A hard-working mother with three children hides bottles of vodka in the laundry room, then binges when the kids are at school.
• An elected legislator files for bankruptcy from gambling debts and the public learns of his taking off hours from work weekly to visit casinos, wearing clever disguises.
• A PTA chairperson arrives late to important meetings because she can't leave the house until checking to make sure her stove is turned off dozens of times and the water taps are turned extra tightly.
Each of these troubled people lives a double life because of their unhealthy secrets. Now think of the 80 million similar Secret Keepers worldwide who steal hours away from their public lives to act out their secret behaviors or passions, sometimes for decades, but who never get found out.
You will meet:
• A bulimic • A pathological gambler • A cross-dresser • A shoplifter • An incest perpetrator • An executive in credit card debt • A captive to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) • The wife of an exhibitionist • A secret heavy drinker • Sex always feels like abuse • My best friend is always high • My friend died and I feel like I killed him/her • My parents hate me • I'm scared of who I will be if I become successful, so I keep sabotaging everything good • I date-raped someone when I was drunk, but I'm not a rapist. • I hate myself. • I do really beautiful things and I want credit and praise so it’s ruined anyway. • I saw “someone” with so and so... • I lost control of my bladder so I won't go out anymore • I cut myself... • I won't tell the truth about my career • I'm a waitress or work a 9-5 job, and act like I'm powerful or famous person • I hit my kids and lock them in their rooms, but out in the world I speak lovingly of them • I have cosmetic surgeries compulsively • I'm not religious anymore and my family is
Why do people have secrets? How does it affect your life? What is the difference between secrets and privacy?
Secrets carry shame, Privacy does not.
Write this out...
You cannot be empowered with secrets because...A secret makes you feel...How does this secret make me feel about me? This secret makes me act like...
Definition of Privacy:
The state of being private; retiring a thought, feeling or behavior sometimes creating a seclusive feeling.
The state of being free from intrusion is to have no disturbance inside and hopefully outside one's private life and affairs. You need rights to have privacy.
If privacy becomes secrecy, that's another story.
Definition of Secrecy:
The condition of being hidden or concealed.
A secret is kept hidden from knowledge or view and concealed. It is dependably discreet. This can make my life operate from a hidden or confidential manner and become or attract a secret energy. If a trauma exists this can become paranoia, phobic, and projections. If the secret is not expressed and lives inward, the secret thoughts will live on.
I will then live secluded and wandering about the secret. Life is lived beyond ordinary understanding and is lived mysteriously.
I gossip about other’s insecurities, fears, issues and I don’t own, they are really my issues.
Everyone who survived Junior High / High School has experienced secret/privacy/gossip problems.
When is it inappropriate to keep a secret?
Understanding when it is inappropriate (or ill advised) to keep a secret is perhaps the most important things to learn.
Unfortunately, there are no hard and fast answers for this.
Generally speaking there are several general circumstances where keeping a secret may be inappropriate:
• When keeping the secret will harm someone else...someone innocent.
• When keeping the secret does more harm than telling the secret would.
• When the secret itself is illegal, covers up illegal activity, or relates to illegal activity.
• When the secret is about something grossly inappropriate or dangerous matters.
• When the secret is something that cannot be kept and will eventually come out anyway.
Keeping secrets breeds’ shame; but having self-boundaries is being private.
Secrecy is full of guilt and shame.
Privacy is full of understanding self-awareness and boundaries with no “care” or “worry”!
How Sneaky is Shame?
Reference: Chapter 9 of Mona’s Book “Invisible Warfare”.
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Recommended Books:
"Anatomy of a Secret Life: The Psychology of Living a Lie," Gail Saltz, M.D "Family Secrets" John Bradshaw "Invisible Warfare" Mona Miller
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]]>http://www.communicationartscompany.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry081223-1528172008-12-23T00:00:00Z2008-12-23T00:00:00ZWhat's Your Story?Show Air Date: December 21, 2008
A story is an account of incidents or events in your life. Start writing from your present age and go backwards yearly.
Anecdotes…
Your story needs anecdotes, which are interesting or amusing stories inside your main story.
Some of my stories sound like circulated rumors because my perceptions are different from others in my life. Some of my perceptions may be false—even built on lies. Legends are my history of trials and tribulations. But finding what matters to me in all situations is my gift.
My heirloom is my understanding, changes, and wisdom from my story or history. This has a special value that will be handed down from one generation to another. To know we have survived for several generations, which is usually due to the efforts of all individuals in the family line.
To own your story is to understand and change something about you through your family's story.
Possess your truth for power, and master it! Acknowledge the truth, know it’s valid, and claim it! Admit, understand, feel, depersonalize, empathize, change, and celebrate! This is called OWNING!
The very common English idiom "Don't judge a book by its cover" is a metaphorical phrase which means "Don't determine the worth of something based on its appearance".
A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston and walked timidly without an appointment into the Harvard University President's outer office.
The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard University and probably didn't even deserve to be in Cambridge University. "We want to see the president," the man said softly. "He'll be busy all day," the secretary snapped. "We'll wait," the lady replied.
For hours the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away. They didn't and the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always regretted. "Maybe if you see them for a few minutes, they'll leave," she said to him.
He sighed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance obviously didn't have the time to spend with them, but he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office. The president, stern faced and with dignity, strutted toward the couple.
The lady told him, "We had a son who attended Harvard University for one year. He loved Harvard University and he was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. My husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus." The president wasn't touched.... He was shocked. "Madam," he said, gruffly, "we can't put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard University and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery."
"Oh, no," the lady explained quickly. "We don't want to erect a statue. We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard University."
The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, and then exclaimed, "A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical buildings here at Harvard University." For a moment the lady was silent. The president was pleased. Maybe he could get rid of them now.
The lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it costs to start a university? Why don't we just start our own?" Her husband nodded.
The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment. Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford got up and walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California where they established the University that bears their name, Stanford University, a memorial to a son that Harvard University no longer cared about.
You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who they think can do nothing. What if the world thought and acted like a Twelve Step Program? Would Truth, Owning and Change become a rampant way of Living? Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our desires, righteous ways, stubbornness, narrow mindedness and addiction - that our lives had become stuck, anxious, confusing, depressing and unmanageable.
Step 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God. (Loving the truths of all people and things)
Step 4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Learning the good, bad and ugly and embracing it all, knowing every part of us was for a reason.
Step 5 - Admitted to ourselves and to other human beings the exact nature of our hurts, mistakes and even crimes.
Step 6 - Being entirely ready to remove all these defects of character through the processing and changing of ourselves and turning it to wisdom and not judging ourselves or others, but looking with discernment of what is true or not.
Step 7 - Humbly ask ourselves and Spirit to remove our shortcomings by letting go of the low and high ego. To surrender the ego is to move from a totally different belief system.
Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them whether they forgive us or not.
Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were hurtful, angry, fearful, guilty, attacking, aggressive etc. we promptly admitted it.
Step 11 - After doing a feeling release exercise(see Chapter 10 in my book Invisible Warfare), use prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God and our own inner spirit for the knowledge of Truth and Love and the energy to carry it out.
Step 12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other people and to practice these principles in all facets of our lives.
The Billionaire's Black Sheep
What's it like when your grandpa is the richest man in the world? For Nicole Buffett, it means forgoing cable TV and health insurance and making do on $40,000 a year. Here, she dishes on her upbringing and why her grandfather Warren Buffett disowned her.
By Leah McGrath Goodman Nicole Buffett is at home among the neo-hippies who shuffle along the laid-back, tree-lined streets of Berkeley, CA. At an elfin 5 feet tall, clad in a flowing peasant dress and sandals adorned with peace signs, her long hair cascading in ropy dreadlocks to her waist, the 32-year-old abstract painter is just another of the city's free-thinking, granola-crunching denizens. And yet, she's a walking oddity. "The first thing most people think of when they hear my last name is money," she laughs.
Not just money — gobs of it. Nicole Buffett's grandfather is the legendary investor Warren Buffett, whose $58 billion fortune made him the richest man on the planet, a mantle he seized from Bill Gates last fall. So deep are Buffett's pockets that when the financial markets cratered in September, the so-called Oracle of Omaha single-handedly buoyed Wall Street (at least for a day) by plunking down $5 billion on troubled investment bank Goldman Sachs. ("Canonize Warren Buffett," cried one headline on CNBC's Website.) But there's a bitter irony to Buffett's beneficence. Wall Street's white knight is also an unforgiving hardhead when it comes to his own granddaughter, whom he cut off two years ago after a falling-out. "For him to discard me like that was devastating," Nicole says matter-of-factly. "It permanently divided our family."
As a child, Nicole made regular visits to "Grandpa's" modest home in Omaha, where he still lives.
Nicole was clueless about the scope of the Buffett fortune until she was 17, when her grandfather appeared on the cover of Forbes for having topped the magazine's annual list of the richest Americans. Her classmates nearly stampeded her at school with the news. "I called my dad, and he said, 'Yeah, Grandpa is going to be getting a lot more press, and we're going to have to get used to that. But we'll be living our lives the same way and doing what we always do,'" Nicole says.
In fact, the national media debut only intensified Buffett's efforts to preserve his unaffected lifestyle. Aware of the unfairness of what he calls "the ovarian lottery," Buffett made clear to the family that there'd be no handouts. "For most people, your life is largely determined by the wealth you were — or weren't — born into," Nicole explains. "But our family was supposed to be a meritocracy." That philosophy translated into a near-fanatical devotion to living like regular Joes. Buffett's kids went to public schools and, when they were old enough to drive, shared the family car. "You wouldn't guess it, but I grew up in a household with my parents saying, 'If you're fortunate enough to find something you love, then do it,'" says Peter Buffett.
Four years ago, following Susan's death, Buffett showed up for his family's annual Christmas gathering clad in a garishly over-the-top red tracksuit and Santa hat, a gift from "Arnie" (California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger). Everyone laughed at the absurdity of it all. When the holiday ended, Nicole raced into Buffett's arms. "We're not a touchy-feely family, so when I did it, the rest of the family seemed a little surprised," Nicole says, beaming. "But he gave me this great big hug back."
It was the last time the pair would share an embrace. Two years later, Nicole agreed to appear in The One Percent, a documentary by Johnson & Johnson heir Jamie Johnson about the gap between rich and poor in America. "I've been very blessed to have my education taken care of, and I have had my living expenses taken care of while I'm in school," she states on camera. None of the Buffetts, a famously press-averse bunch, had ever before appeared in so public a forum to dish about their upbringing. Though Nicole informed her father of her role in the film and he had no objections, she failed to give her grandfather a heads-up. Asked in the film how he'd react to her interview, Nicole responds, "I definitely fear judgment. Money is the spoke in my grandfather's wheel of life."
Despite her sterling surname, Buffett is getting by on $40,000 or so a year. There's no denying that the Buffett name piques interest in the art world, where Nicole's pieces have fetched as much as $8000. One of her techniques is to leave unfinished works outside, exposed to the elements. "I like to see what happens," she says, hovering over canvases mottled with sunbursts of color.
Nicole supplements her income by working at a San Francisco boutique, but still can't afford cable or health insurance. Since their falling-out, Buffett has begun mailing sizable Christmas checks to his grandchildren, despite his no-freebies rule. Even so, Nicole vigorously insists that she has no regrets. "I think it shows he's trying to reach out to his grandkids in a more personal way," she says, before pausing. "And probably he's rewarding them for behaving."
In the two years since they last spoke, Nicole has been besieged by her grandfather's image. "I can't turn on the TV or read the paper without seeing him," she says, referring to his role in the Wall Street bailout and as Barack Obama's adviser during his presidential bid. She dreams about reconciliation, however unlikely. Still, she says she'll never stop being a Buffett. "I will always be self-reliant," she says, curled up on her couch, her dreadlocks draping her body like a quilt. "Grandpa taught me that, and it has set the tone for my life."
Because he was not the rightful heir to the throne of David, Herod the Great was disturbed when the wise men asked about a newborn king of the Jews. Consistent with what we know about Herod, he planned to locate and kill the child that was such a threat to his throne. The murder of innocent children that followed is a tragic lesson in what can happen when actions are motivated by selfishness.
Joseph too was disturbed and perplexed because Mary who was engaged to him was carrying the king child and he was not the father. One legal option for Joseph under this circumstance was to have Mary stoned. Joseph however, decided to break the engagement in a way that would not cause public shame to Mary. He intended to act with justice and love that the child may have a future and hope. Later Joseph would learn that the child Mary was carrying was someone special because he was Jesus, the Savior of the world.
Herod had tremendous insecurity. Insecure leaders rarely provide security for others, take more than they give, limit the best in their people, and spend more energy trying to keep their jobs than doing the job. Joseph on the other hand was a man of integrity who was prepared to do what was right, despite the pain he knew it would cause. Joseph not only determined to do what was right, he also determined to do it in the right way. He did everything humanly possible to protect the baby Jesus — a potential cause of great shame in his own life — as the child was not his, biologically.
Today’s major challenge to children’s survival is not the Herod the Greats who are insecure about the newborn kings of their nations, but leaders who are spending more energy in keeping their jobs than doing the job. The best Christmas gift a secure leader in Sub-Saharan Africa can give to children during this festival season is a commitment to reduce the mortality rate of children under five by addressing the following: inadequate child health services; high prevalence of malaria; and increased prevalence of HIV among pregnant women. There is also a need for our leaders to arrest the deteriorating quality of education.
Joseph’s character was measured by how much he was willing to back his beliefs. He was ready to defend family, faith and traditional values at the cost of his image and personal life. Joseph is a great example of what parents, teachers and government leaders should be doing to set the course for the future of our children for generations to come. This Christmas, what gifts are we going to present to children? One point I want to make in this column is that Jesus was a refugee!
Mary the mother of Jesus raised her young child in a foreign land, in a foreign culture, and with people of another language. The Bible warns us over and over to be kind and welcoming to strangers and foreigners. So Jesus was an internationalist at a very young age.
It must have been tough to cross that desert with a one or two year old child. No diapers, no running water, no bed, no air conditioning, no stores to shop in. Yet she did what she had to do. This round-trip journey would have been at least 700 miles.
Carried out by the Mullahs' Regime - Stoning women to death in Iran A Special Case Study The stoning of women is one of the more savage, and revealing aspects of the mullahs' rule in Iran. This vicious punishment of women is without precedent in Iran's recent history. Since the inception of the mullahs' rule, hundreds of women of various ages have been and continue to be stoned to death throughout Iran.
What makes this hideous crime even more abhorrent is that it is carried out under the name of Islam. The Quran and the Prophet of Islam despised such behavior. On the contrary, in the Quran and the Prophet's traditions, such barbarism is denounced. The Prophet did his utmost to eradicate backward traditions, including stoning, which victimized women.
In 1999, Marilyn was named the Number One Sex Star of the 20th Century by Playboy magazine
In 1999, Marilyn was voted the 'Sexiest Woman of the Century' by People Magazine.
Issued on June 1, 1995, Marilyn was featured on a 32¢ US commemorative postage stamp.
Elton John recorded the song "Candle in the Wind" as a tribute to Marilyn Monroe.
In December 1953, she was the Playboy "Sweetheart" of the Month.
In February 1953, Marilyn was named the “The Most Advertised Girl in the World” by the Advertising Association of the West.
In 1946, she began using the stage name Marilyn Monroe, but did not legally change her name until February 23, 1956.
Marilyn Monroe was nominated for the 1956 British Academy Award for "Best Foreign Actress" in the Seven Year Itch.
What is Marilyn's story?
Ever since she was born Norma Jeane Mortensen, everyone around her knew she was not just your average little girl. At the age of four she decided she wanted her father’s last name- Baker. She lived with her mother Gladys Baker until she was six and Gladys was sent to an insane asylum. Norma Jeane lived with approximately nine foster families until she was 12 when she was sent to the local orphanage.
James E. Dougherty was the boy-next-door and Norma Jeane’s legal guardian. Grace wanted her out of the orphanage. So she arranged for Norma Jeane to be married to James when she was only 16. During the newly-weds marriage, James was drafted into the Navy for four years. In that time away from each other, Norma Jeane began to pursue her childhood dream: acting. Not knowing how to get started, she was approached one day by a talent scout. He got her a modeling job, and that's when her career begun.
Feeling the need to shed her image as the typical Hollywood shallow blonde, Monroe took some time off to take acting classes. In June of 1956, she married the great playwright Arthur Miller. He wrote the western The Misfits especially for his wife; Monroe co-starred with Clark Gable, her childhood idol. The couple divorced in 1961, just months after The Misfits came out as Monroe’s last completed film.
In 1962, she won the Golden Globe award "Most Popular Star". On August 5th, 1962, Marilyn Monroe was found dead in her California home at the age of 36. Her death was declared a suicide by an overdose of sleeping pills, but many signs show it was murder, making it impossible for a suicide. Marilyn Monroe left a mark on the world that can never be changed. She set the standards for modeling and acting that no one can ever even attempt to meet. She was the ultimate role model for young women and girls who admired her glamour and image.
Only the public can make a star. It’s the studios who try to make a system out of it.
Marilyn Monroe had great insight to have said this. She had life experience to back it up. Marilyn’s real name was Norma Jeane Baker. She was a sweet, innocent, vibrant young woman who got caught up in the glamour of show business. As fame took hold of her, she became less and less herself, and more and more “Marilyn”. This persona created by the media was glamorous, outspoken, and unmistakably sexy. Marilyn Monroe was merely an image created by the media, and not truly Norma Jeane at all. This image was created, killing the true spirit inside of this woman, and eventually killing this woman altogether.
“No one ever told me I was pretty when I was a little girl. All little girls should be told they are pretty, even if they aren't.”
Norma Jeane met Andre De Dienes, her preferred photographer, at the age of nineteen, and he immediately saw her potential. “...she was wearing a skimpy sweater, her curly hair tied in a ribbon to match...she seemed unsure of herself. With her childlike smile...I immediately felt how much I could draw out of her still childlike face, from her well-rounded yet coltish body, from this unpolished beauty.” Andre immediately began photographing her. They traveled around America, and Andre fell more and more in love with Norma Jeane. “Norma Jeane had something of a schoolgirl about her...models usually have to be dragged out of bed...but there she was, fresh as a daisy...wearing a smile.”
Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul.
Andre watched Marilyn slip deeper and deeper into her fit of depression. “I watched from afar as she slid into a private hell befogged by tranquilizers and a variety of sleeping pills.” Her career had turned into an ordeal. She was constantly late on set, and forgot her lines. Some days she did not show up at all. He last saw her alive on June 1, 1961. He knew too well how badly she was sleeping, the bitterness inside of her. “...her success was a sham, her hopes thwarted...the next day she left a bouquet outside my door: a selection of her latest photos. Smiling, radiant - utterly misleading. I little guessed that this was our last goodbye.”
Marilyn Monroe died on August 5, 1962 of an overdose of sleeping pills. Norma Jeane had died ages ago. Overwhelmed with grief, unhappy with what she had become, felt betrayed by her public. Sir Laurence Olivier put it best when he said, “Popular opinion and all that goes to promote it is a horribly unsteady conveyance for life, and she was exploited beyond anyone’s means.”
I’m daddy’s little girl, 10 years old and happy. Its 1980, Christmas time and snow is falling from the Midwestern sky. My dad is 40 years old and heads off to work. He was returning home with Christmas presents snuggled tightly in the back of the car. But...daddy never came home that night. A drunk driver hit him. My brother and I woke the next morning with a home full of family and friends. "A Holiday gathering?" we thought. Mom whisked us away in a bedroom to tell us the news, Daddy’s gone and not coming back. I cried out - “No, No"!
Mommy didn't handle it very well. Every night I would lie awake hearing her painful cries. From time to time I would go in by her side to comfort her. This was to become my "role” in life. As my mom went into a depression, my siblings and I followed suit. I was physically ill for a year. There was no talking about it. This was the beginning of how to get cancer. Today I do not talk about my personal insides; I can have a low grade depression and still comfort others as I feel physically ill. I guess I still live this trance.
My family was a good-intentioned family therefore there was nothing wrong, right? I don't want to tell my whole story because I don't want my mom to get hurt, my sister to get mad, my brother to deny and my other brother to avoid me. So I will just help others, keep my mouth shut and go from one relationship to the next - over giving, feeling exhausted and getting hurt and wondering why? My friend says to live fully right now is to tell my story because my journey has worth and this struggle no longer feels like a waste.
This is hard for me.......more than anyone knows. I have Cancer. It's Stage 4.... Words I have a hard time saying.... I'm terminal.
I’m daddy’s little girl, almost 39 years old and it’s 2008. Days are long, nights are cold and rain is falling from the Western sky. It’s Christmas time. I just came home from the hospital again. Too much unexplained bleeding they said. I'm learning to vent my anger and let my "crazy voices" out. I want no shame for being human. I need to learn to receive. I have given to a point of being out of balance and now my body has had enough. I want to be with daddy so bad. My best friends just died this year too. I can't let them go. I want to be with them so badly, but never dreamt this wish may just come true.
I have lived looking so alive with a piece missing in me since I was a little girl. No one knew. I didn't know how to process being daddy's little girl and the abandonment of daddy not coming home that one snowy night. Am I really going to be with him? Am I really ready? Did I manifest this? Is it bad or good? Am I ok?
God someone hold me, no go away , I'm fine. I am an emotional liar but I am just now getting to know me. So how can I tell anyone how to love me. No one is going to love me like daddy, so forget it. No one is ever going to take my heart away again. So I will give but never receive.
I am so tired. But is it physical or exhaustion from carrying this all this inside me. I miss my heart. Can I start over? I need a hug but can't get one - I may shake and fall apart and never stop crying. I don't mean regular crying but the animal cries of pain hidden from way back when. Mom just had heart surgery this week. Did she ever mend her heart? Are we all imploding? Is this why the good die young?
I want to learn to live with all my truths - good, bad and ugly. But how? It's not too late to learn, my friend says. So I share my story with you. Let's learn to live, not just survive. I pray I can tell you the rest of the story someday.....Thank you for listening. It gives a purpose to this struggle. Love, Love, Love, Little "T"
A Christmas Carol - Published in one volume - Dec 1843 Dickens began writing his "little carol" in October, 1843 finishing it by the end of November in time to be published for Christmas with illustrations by John Leech. Feuding with his publishers, Dickens financed the publishing of the book himself, ordering lavish binding, gilt edging, and hand-colored illustrations and then setting the price at 5 shillings so that everyone could afford it. This combination resulted in disappointingly low profits despite high sales. In the first few days of its release the book sold six thousand copies and its popularity continued to grow. The first and best of his Christmas Books, A Christmas Carol has become a Christmas tradition and easily Dickens' best known book.
One major theme in A Christmas Carol was rooted in Dickens' observations of the plight of the children of London's poor. It has been said of the times that sex was the only affordable pleasure for the poor; the result was thousands of children living in unimaginable poverty, filth, and disease.
The Death of Tiny Tim
Of all the affecting scenes from A Christmas Carol none touches the heart more than the death of the crippled Tiny Tim, foreshadowed to Scrooge by the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, especially to Victorian readers. Large families and child mortality were common in the 19th century and many readers may have suffered firsthand the loss of a child.
Cooking the Cratchit's Christmas Goose
The homes of the poor were equipped with open fireplaces for heat and cooking but not with ovens. Thus many, like the Cratchits, took their Christmas goose or turkey to the baker's shop. Bakers were forbidden to open on Sundays and holidays but would open their shops on these days to the poor and bake their dinners for a small fee. Dickens tells of Master Peter Cratchit and the two younger Cratchits going to fetch their Christmas goose from the bakers.
PLOT: Ebenezer Scrooge is a penny-pinching miser in the first degree. He cares nothing for the people around him and mankind exists only for the money that can be made through exploitation and intimidation. He particularly detests Christmas which he views as 'a time for finding yourself a year older, and not an hour richer'. Scrooge is visited, on Christmas Eve, by the ghost of his former partner Jacob Marley who died seven Christmas Eves ago.
Marley, a miser from the same mold as Scrooge, is suffering the consequences in the afterlife and hopes to help Scrooge avoid his fate. He tells Scrooge that he will be haunted by three spirits. These three spirits, the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future, succeed in showing Scrooge the error of his ways. His glorious reformation complete, Christmas morning finds Scrooge sending a Christmas turkey to his long-suffering clerk, Bob Cratchit, and spending Christmas day in the company of his nephew, Fred, whom he had earlier spurned.
Scrooge's new-found benevolence continues as he raises Cratchit's salary and vows to assist his family, which includes Bob's crippled son, Tiny Tim. In the end Dickens reports that Scrooge became ' as good a friend, as good a master, and as good a man, as the good old city knew'.
So by studying the past and owning the good bad and ugly, Scrooge changed his beliefs, feelings and behaviors by turning all his mistakes and pain into wisdom. Now can you tell your story and do the same and change not just your life but everyone around you.
]]>http://www.communicationartscompany.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry081217-1303182008-12-17T00:00:00Z2008-12-17T00:00:00ZWhat is the definition of abuse? Domestic Abuse is..Show Air Date: December 14, 2008
What is the definition of abuse?
Domestic Abuse is...
W / Special Guests:
Theresa Dawson
Carol Crabson, LCSW
& An Ex-Abuser
Please know you cannot stop the wars of the world or the wars in your personal life until you want to stop the war inside yourself. You cannot do outside of yourself what you can't do inside yourself. Whether you are an abuser or not you have to learn to be different for attracting this, and allowing it. Everyone has something to learn if abuse is in your life.
In the 21st century, we hope to evolve out of a master / slave mentality.
Won't you join us in the evolution of truth, love, and ownership of our own issues; and the generations before to look back and say "don't worry grandma, grandpa, mom, and dad--we understand and are getting it. Your pain is not in vain."
Abuse is a general term for the use or treatment of something (person, thing, idea, etc.) that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person or thing, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) or is unlawful or wrongful.
Categories of physical abuse are: • Punching • Pushing, pulling • Slapping • Whipping • Striking with an object • Locking in / out of a room or place, i.e. False imprisonment • Pinching • Kicking • Having someone fall • Kneeing • Strangling • Head-butting • Drowning • Sleep deprivation • Exposure to cold, freezing • Exposure to heat or radiation, burning • Exposure to electric shock • Placing in "stress positions" (tied or otherwise forced) • Cutting or otherwise exposing somebody to something sharp • Exposure to a dangerous animal • Throwing or shooting a projectile • Exposure to a toxic substance • Infecting with a disease • Withholding food or medication • Spanking is subject to controversy as to whether it qualifies as physical abuse / assault • Bodily harm • Humiliation • Torture • Blinding a person / causing vision impairments, e.g. Throwing acid into eyes / face or having eyes gouged out • Negligence • Biting • Restraining • Tickling, although someone may be laughing, it hurts physically—and the laughter is not happy or joyful but just a reflex response
Sexual Abuse / Harassment - Forcing sex or specific acts; pressuring into unwanted sexual behavior; criticizing performance; the improper use of another person for sexual purposes—generally, without their consent or under physical or psychological pressure. Child sexual abuse—whether abused by parents, those in loco parentis or strangers.
Child sexual abuse— Anytime there is sex regarding a child!
Verbal Abuse: When a person uses profanity, demeaning talk or threatening statements.
Emotional Abuse or Psychological Abuse: Coercion, humiliation, intimidation, relational aggression, parental alienation or covert incest: Where one person uses emotional or psychological coercion to compel another to do something they do not want or is not in their best interests; or when one person manipulates another's emotional or psychological state for their own ends [e.g. Battered Person Syndrome (BPS)]—or commits psychological aggression using ostensibly non-violent methods to inflict mental or emotional violence or pain on another. Constantly criticizing, ridiculing (self, family, friends, past); trying to humiliate or degrade; lying; undermining self-esteem.
Isolation: Restricting freedom—controlling contacts with friends and family, access to information and participation in groups or organizations; locking up in a room / restricting mobility; monitoring telephone calls
Stalking / Harassing Behavior - Following; showing up at workplace or house; parking outside; repeated phone calls or mail to victim and/or family, friends, colleagues.
Economic Abuse - Controlling or stealing money; fostering dependency; making financial decisions without asking or telling partner.
Property Destruction - Destroying mementos; breaking furniture or windows; throwing or smashing objects; trashing clothes or other possessions.
Drug Abuse: The misuse of drugs, alcohol, or other substances—usually a form of addiction. Law enforcement officials, among others, often define drug abuse as "any" use of illegal drugs—whether or not use is actually harmful to the user or to anyone else.
Spousal Abuse (or Domestic Violence), Elder Abuse, Human Rights Abuse: Abuse usually physical, or psychological abuse.
Animal Abuse: Abuse or cruelty directed at animals.
Legal Abuse: Vexatious litigation or malicious prosecution to retaliate, coerce, or emotionally / financially harm a person.
Internet Abuse: Includes a wide range of inappropriate online behavior, such as unsolicited promotional email, intrusion attempts, and phishing.
Spiritual Abuse: Abusive or aberrational practices identified in the behavior and teachings of some churches, spiritual and religious organizations and groups.
Children can experience Domestic Violence as:
• Witnesses to domestic violence. This includes: seeing or hearing abuse; seeing physical signs after the violence; or witnessing the effects of domestic violence on the abused person.
• Weapons of abuse. An abusive partner can use access to their children as a form of abuse and control. They may try to turn children against the other partner or undermine the other partner's parenting role.
• Victims of abuse. Children may be physically or emotionally abused by the abusive partner (or even in some cases by the abused partner).
Children, who experience domestic violence, whether in same sex or heterosexual relationships, can suffer from a wide range of negative effects from short term physical injuries to long term emotional or psychological trauma. All children who experience domestic violence are affected by it in some way.
What should I do to help my friend or family member that is experiencing domestic violence in their relationship?
If you are supporting a friend who is experiencing domestic violence remember there are a few things that you should avoid doing.
They include: • Telling them what to do • Letting them know you are disappointed if they don't do what you have suggested or if they go back to their partner. • Making comments that imply they are to blame for the abuse • Trying to mediate between the partners • Confronting the abusive partner—this can be dangerous for you and for the abused partner • Approaching a Friend
Getting involved doesn't mean you have to solve the situation. If someone turns to you for help and support it means helping them find their own answers. You cannot 'save' them and it is important not to be disappointed if they don't do what you think they should. Leaving a violent relationship is difficult, it can be dangerous, and it may take time.
If you think a friend is experiencing abuse but they haven't said anything to you, you could ask them if they need support or information.
If you decide to approach a friend: • Make sure you are somewhere where they can talk without others hearing or interrupting - especially their partner • Maybe start by saying something like, “I'm worried about you because you seem unhappy ...” • Don't push them into talking if they aren't comfortable • Don't be surprised if they are defensive or reject your support—it may not be the right time for them to talk about it If they downplay or deny the abuse or aren't willing to talk, let them know you are there to support them; and wait for a sign that they are ready to talk.
Why do they stay when they are being abused?
It's not uncommon to hear, "Why do they stay in abusive relationships?" or "Why don't they leave?" These types of questions, although common, have a tendency—whether unintentional or not—to blame victims and to suggest they enjoy or thrive on being abused. ‘If they didn't enjoy being ill-treated they would leave, right?’ ‘Obviously, if they choose to stay, they must have low self-esteem, right?'
No! These attitudes are common myths about victims of domestic violence. The fact is that reasons for staying are far more complex than a blanket statement about a victim's character or strength of will.
In some cases, individuals may seem to "want" to be beaten. For those who come from dysfunctional families—families in which they were routinely beaten and emotionally abused as children—they know no other patterns of behavior, and have learned to expect frequent incidents of violence. For such, the anxiety of waiting for the next outburst of violence is often more stressful and agonizing than the violence itself. They hate not knowing when they will next be hit, kicked, punched, burned, bitten, or stabbed; and they would rather "get it over with" than not know when they will next be abused.
Often, it is dangerous for them to leave an abusive relationship. If the abuser is economically abusive and withholds all family money from them, leaving can lead to additional hardships.
Leaving could mean: living in fear of being stalked; fear of losing custody of any minor children (parental abduction is not uncommon); losing financial support; and experiencing harassment at work.
Domestic violence is about power and control—they may not yet feel strong enough to make the break.
Do not underestimate the effects of domestic violence on its victims. Abused men and women experience isolation, shame, embarrassment, and humiliation. Individuals may not immediately leave an abusive relationship because:
• Often, clergy and social workers are trained to "save the family" rather than to stop violence. • Police often treat incidents of domestic violence as mere "disputes" rather than as serious crimes in which one person is physically assaulting another. • Police may try to discourage women from pressing criminal charges. • District Attorneys are often reluctant to prosecute cases. • Justices rarely assign the maximum sentence or fine possible.
Restraining orders and peace bonds do little to prevent abusers from repeating their violent patterns of behavior. Sadly, there are too few shelters to keep women safe.
Many abused women and men don't accept the notion of single parenting. They believe a bad mother or father is better than none at all.
Many abused people feel isolated from their families and from society. Isolation is either the result of the abuser's possessiveness or jealousy; or it may be an attempt on the part of the victim to hide signs of abuse from the outside world. Either way, such isolation leads many victims to feel they have nowhere to turn.
Many victims externalize or rationalize the reasons for their abuser's behavior, e.g. casting blame of circumstances such as stress, financial hardship, job stress, chemical dependency, etc.
Between mental, emotional, or violent episodes, there are periods of calm during which the abuser is charming, nurturing, and caring. Those traits which initially attracted him / her to his / her victim resurface, and the victim sees her abuser as a loving person—thereby reinforcing her decision to stay.
THE REASONS MEN STAY IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS
Denial: He may feel her abuse is caused by her emotional personality, PMS or other hormone fluctuations. He decides to ignore her abuse because he loves her, and wants the relationship to continue.
Love: In spite of the abuse, he may find enough good in the relationship to "make up" for the abuse. Often, men do not see the pain and problems in marriage as easily as wives do. Men are usually quicker to forgive and forget.
Financial: He may stay, not because he wouldn't be able to support himself, but because of the prospect of paying child support and alimony or dividing the marital assets. He may choose to stay until the children are grown, and then leave.
Fear: While a man may stay out of fear, it is more often fear of what she will do to herself rather than what she might do to him. Abusive women often threaten suicide if her partner leaves. Additionally, she may have threatened to make trouble for him at his job or in his life in general.
Shame: What will my friends, family, colleagues, and neighbors think? What will people think if they knew I let a woman intimidate or beat up on me? It's a private matter—it belongs in the family. If I say anything, she'll tell everyone I'm the abusive one, and shame me in public. I'm ashamed that I'm not strong enough to defend myself or leave. Everyone knows that it’s men who are the violent ones (the shame of a male for being a male).
He needs her: Most men are raised to depend on women to "take care of them." These women would keep their clothes clean and cook their food. In addition, they need the women to satisfy their sexual needs. Some men have low self esteem, made worse by an abusive wife. To avoid sharing their pain and answering many questions, they stay and "rough it out."
Self-Worth: I probably deserved it. This is the best I deserve. With my looks, or age, or personality, or income, this is as good a relationship as I'll ever be able to get.
Reluctance to give up the good: If people got to know her, they'd see what a creative, or loving, or wonderful person she is. She's like this only some of the time. The sex is great, and I can put up with being batted around a little. I'd be lost without a relationship with her. I'd be lost without a relationship.
The Kids: Another reason for staying is to protect the kids. Research shows that people who assault their partners, women as well as men, are likely to assault their children, too. If he leaves, chances are he'll never be able to come back. In today's climate, there's a good chance she'll be able to allege that he has assaulted her or assaulted or even sexually abused the kids; and merely with her say-so (in some states), she may be able to get a protection order—barring him from seeing the kids.
Fear of having a 911 call turned around: If a man is being battered and trying to protect the kids, and he calls 911, all too frequently he is the one who ends up being arrested. At a minimum, he may experience problems getting the police to believe that he's been assaulted or that he needs police help.
Men are also less likely to call the police, even when there is injury, because, like women, they feel shame about disclosing family violence. But for many men, the shame is compounded by the shame of not being able to keep their wives or girlfriends under control. Among this group, a "real man" would be able to keep her under control.
Violent Relationships
There are many reasons for staying in a violent relationship, and they vary for each victim. They may include:
• Fear of violence and the perpetrator • Lack of shelters and victim-advocacy programs to provide transitional support • Lack of affordable housing that would provide safety for the victim and children • Lack of real alternatives for employment and financial assistance, especially for victims with children • Lack of affordable legal assistance necessary to obtain a divorce, custody order, or a restraining order or protection order • Being immobilized by psychological and physical trauma (victims of trauma may not be able to mobilize all that it takes to separate and establish a new life for themselves and their children—particularly during the period immediately following the trauma; or if they have suffered multiple traumas) • Believing in cultural / family / religious values that encourage the maintenance of the family unit at all costs • Continuing to hope and believe the perpetrator's promises to change and to stop beg violent because of the perpetrator's positive qualities • Being told by the perpetrator, counselors, the courts, police, ministers, family members, and friends that the violence is the victim's fault, and that she / he could stop the abuse simply by complying with the perpetrator's demands. In these cases, the victim learns that the systems with the power to intervene will not act, and she / he is forced to comply with the perpetrator in hopes of stopping the abuse • If your abuser has violated a restraining order that you have against him / her, remember to show the police officer your copy
You will be asked the standard questions about your abuser: name, race, address, date of birth, height, weight, hair and eye color, etc. Be prepared to give the officer information about your abuser: A photograph; social security number; year, make and model of any vehicles and the LICENSE PLATE NUMBERS!
Be SURE to note anything "odd" about the vehicle...cracks, dents, bumper stickers, etc. Officers see lists of many "suspect" vehicles during daily briefings, and they will be more likely to remember a bumper sticker than a general vehicle description.
• The abusers place of employment and the address • Scars, marks or tattoos • Places they frequent (bars, friend's houses, hang outs, etc.) • Remember to mention any drug use, and if known to carry any type of weapon. Also let the officers know if there are any guns or other weapons in your home, car, etc.
It is VITAL that you obey any court-ordered notice to appear. Deciding that you don't want to participate after you have received notice to appear is an option that can land YOU in jail for contempt of court. Since the case can go forward even without your testimony, it is in your best interest to be active in the process to hold the offender accountable for their actions.
If you have left the abusive relationship:
• Change your phone number • Screen calls • Save and document all contacts, messages, injuries or other incidents involving the batterer • If the batterer has a key, change locks • Avoid staying alone • Plan how to get away if confronted by an abusive partner • If you have to meet your partner, do it in a public place • Vary your routine • Notify school and work contacts • Call a family violence shelter for information and support
What to do if you are being abused
Recognize that you are not responsible for the abuse but are responsible to leave and get help.
Recognize that mental, emotional or violence/abuse is not likely to stop on its own - episodes usually become more frequent and more severe.
It is important to break the silence. Try to tell someone who will believe you.
Seek professional help from a qualified counselor who is knowledgeable about partner abuse and is lesbian / gay positive.
Emotional Abuse
Types of Emotional Abuse
Abusive Expectations
Aggression
Constant Chaos
Denying
Dominating
Emotional Blackmail • The other person plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or other "hot buttons" to get what they want.
• This could include: threats to end the relationship, totally reject or abandon you; giving you the "cold shoulder," or using other fear tactics to control you.
Invalidation
• The abuser seeks to distort or undermine the recipient's perceptions of their world. Invalidating occurs when the abuser refuses or fails to acknowledge reality. For example, if the recipient tells the person they felt hurt by something the abuser did or said, the abuser might say "You are too sensitive. That shouldn't hurt you." Here is a much more complete description of invalidation.
Minimizing
• Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. When minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient's emotional experience or reaction to an event. Statements such as "You're too sensitive," "You're exaggerating," or "You're blowing this out of proportion" all suggest that the recipient's emotions and perceptions are faulty and not be trusted
• Trivializing, which occurs when the abuser suggests that what you have done or communicated is inconsequential or unimportant, is a more subtle form of minimizing.
Unpredictable Responses
Verbal Assaults
Emotionally Abused Children Characteristics
• Can only guess at what healthy behavior is • Have trouble completing things • Lie when they don't need to. Lying might have been a survival tactic in the home (Perhaps the child learned from the parents who lied to cover up problems or avoid conflict or simply to avoid harsh punishment, or to get needed attention. But as an adult, that tactic is no longer appropriate) • Judge themselves without mercy • Have trouble accepting compliments • Take responsibility for problems, but not successes (Or they go to the other extreme and refuse to take any responsibility for mistakes while trying to take credit for the work of others) • Have trouble having fun since their childhoods were lost, stolen, repressed • Take themselves very seriously or not seriously at all • Have difficulty with intimate relationships • Expect others to just "know what they want." (They can't express it because they were so often disappointed as children that they learned to stop asking for things.) • Over-react to things beyond their control • Constantly seek approval & affirmation • Feel different from others • Are extremely loyal, even when facing overwhelming evidence that their loyalty is undeserved. • Are either super responsible or super irresponsible • Tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences.
(This impulsiveness leads to confusion, self-loathing, and loss of control over their environment. The result is they spend much energy blaming others, feeling victimized and cleaning up messes.)
Are You Abusive to Yourself?
Often we allow people into our lives that treat us as we expect to be treated. If we feel contempt for ourselves or think very little of ourselves, we may pick partners or significant others who reflect this image back to us. If we are willing to tolerate negative treatment from others, or treat others in negative ways, it is possible that we also treat ourselves similarly.
If you are an abuser or a recipient, you may want to consider how you treat yourself. What sorts of things do you say to yourself? Do thoughts such as "I'm stupid" or "I never do anything right" dominate your thinking? Learning to love and care for ourselves increases self-esteem and makes it more likely that we will have healthy, intimate relationships.
Domestic Violence; It's EVERYBODY'S Business!
Domestic violence should not happen to anybody…Ever. Period! But it does –and when it does, there is help. Maybe you have lived with abuse, maybe it happened just once; maybe you work or live next to someone who is being abused right now. Whoever you are, this book can show you how and where to get help.
Myths:
Some people deserve to be hit
No one deserves to be abused. Period! The only person responsible for the abuse is the abuser.
Physical violence, even among family members, is wrong and against the law.
Alcohol use, drug use, and stress do not cause domestic violence; they may go along with domestic violence, but they do not cause the violence. Abusers often say they use these excuses for their violence.
If it were that bad, they would just leave
There are many reasons why they may not leave. Not leaving does not mean that the situation is okay or that the victim wants to be abused.
MANY VICTIMS DO LEAVE AND LEAD SUCCESSFUL, VIOLENCE FREE LIVES
Who Are The Victims?
You could be a victim of abuse or at risk if you are dating someone who:
• Is very jealous and / or spies on you • Will not let you break off the relationship • Hurts you in any way, is violent, or brags about hurting other people • Puts you down or makes you feel bad • Forces you to have sex or makes you afraid to say no to sex • Abuses drugs or alcohol; pressures you to use drugs or alcohol • Has a history of bad relationships and blames it on others
Violence in the home is dangerous for children. Children live with scary noises, yelling and hitting. They are afraid for their parents and themselves. Children feel bad that they cannot stop the abuse. If they try to stop the fight, they can be hurt. They can also be hurt by things that are thrown or weapons that are used. Children are harmed just by seeing and hearing the violence.
Children in violent homes may not get the care they need. A parent who is being abused may be in too much pain to take good care of their child.
Children who live in violent homes can have many problems. •They can have trouble sleeping. •They can have trouble in school •Getting along with others. •They often feel sad and scared all the time. •They may grow up feeling bad about themselves. •These problems do not go away on their own.They can be there even as the child gets older.
If you are being stalked...
Stalking is repeated harassment that makes you feel scared or upset. A stalker can be someone you know or a stranger. They often bother people by giving them attention they do not want. This can be unwanted phone calls or gifts, or following people by going to where they work or live. It can also be threats to you or your family.
People may think stalking is not dangerous because no one has been physically hurt. Stalking is serious. It is against the law. It often turns to physical violence.
There is help. Find out how to get a Personal Protection Order (PPO). You can also tell the police. You can make a case by keeping track of what the stalker does by:
• Telling the police every time the stalker makes contact with you • Keeping a book with you at all times so that you can write down the stalkers contacts • Saving phone messages from the stalker • Saving letters and gifts from the stalker • Writing down information about the stalker, like the way they look, kind of car they drive and license plate number
STALKING IS A CRIME!
Who Are The Abusers?
Abusers are not easy to spot. There is no 'typical' abuser. In public, they may appear friendly and loving to their partner and family. They often only abuse behind closed doors. They also try to hide the abuse by causing injuries that can be hidden and do not need a doctor.
Questions about Leaving
Many victims of domestic violence ask these questions about leaving.
Can I take my children with me when I leave?
• Yes. If you can do it safely, definitely take your children with you. It may be more difficult later. • Get legal custody of them within a few days. This is very important. Many of the groups listed in this book may help you find assistance. • If you do not have your children with you, it may be difficult filing for temporary custody of your children. The parent who has physical possession of the children may have an advantage getting temporary custody. • Your partner may try to kidnap, threaten, or harm the children in order to get you to return. • If you are in immediate danger and cannot take your children, contact the police immediately to arrange for temporary protective custody. (This does not mean you will lose custody. Permanent custody will be decided later by a judge.) Where do I go? • Stay with a friend or relatives. • If you are a woman, do not stay with a man unless he is a relative. (Living with a man you are not married to could hurt your chances of getting custody of your children and spousal support. It could also cause conflict with your abuser.) • Go to a battered women’s shelter with your children. The staff there can help you get legal and financial help as well as provide counseling and emotional support for you and your children. • Call 911 because it is a good start. Your life and your safety are most important. Trying to bring your children with you is important. Everything else is secondary.
Personalized Safety Plan
If you are in an abusive relationship, think about...
1. Having important phone numbers nearby for you and your children. Numbers to have are the police, hotlines, friends, and the local shelter. 2. Friends or neighbors you could tell about the abuse. Ask them to call the police if they hear angry or violent noises. If you have children, teach them how to dial 911. Make up a code word that you can use when you need help. 3. How to get out of your home safely. Practice ways to get out. 4. Safer places in your home where there are exits and no weapons. If you feel abuse is going to happen try to get your abuser to one of these safer places. 5. Any weapons in the house. Think about ways that you could get them out of the house. 6. Even if you do not plan to leave, think of where you could go. Think of how you might leave. Try doing things that get you out of the house - taking out the trash, walking the pet or going to the store. Put together a bag of things you use everyday (see the checklist below). Hide it where it is easy for you to get. 7. Going over your safety plan often. If you consider leaving your abuser, think about... 1. Four places you could go if you leave your home. 2. People who might help you if you left. Think about people who will keep a bag for you. Think about people who might lend you money. Make plans for your pets. 3. Keeping change for phone calls or getting a cell phone. 4. Opening a bank account or getting a credit card in your name. 5. How you might leave. Try doing things that get you out of the house - taking out the trash, walking the family pet, or going to the store. Practice how you would leave. 6. How you could take your children with you safely. There are times when taking your children with you may put all of your lives in danger. You need to protect yourself to be able to protect your children. 7. Putting together a bag of things you use every day. Hide it where it is easy for you to get.
ITEMS TO TAKE, IF POSSIBLE Children (if it is safe) Money Keys to car, house, work Extra clothes Medicine Important papers for you and your children Birth certificates Social security cards School and medical records Bankbooks, credit cards Driver's license Car registration Welfare identification Passports, green cards, work permits Lease/rental agreement Mortgage payment book, unpaid bills Insurance papers PPO, divorce papers, custody orders Address book Pictures, jewelry, things that mean a lot to you Items for your children (toys, blankets, etc.)
Think about reviewing your safety plan often.
If you have left your abuser, think about... 1. Your safety - you still need to. 2. Getting a cell phone. HAVEN may be able to provide you with a cell phone that is programmed to only call 911. These phones are for when you need to call the police and cannot get to any other phone. 3. Getting a PPO from the court. Keep a copy with you all the time. Give a copy to the police, people who take care of your children, their schools, and your boss. 4. Changing the locks. Consider putting in stronger doors, smoke and carbon monoxide detectors, a security system and outside lights. 5. Telling friends and neighbors that your abuser no longer lives with you. Ask them to call the police if they see your abuser near your home or children. 6. Telling people who take care of your children the names of people who are allowed to pick them up. If you have a PPO protecting your children, give their teachers and babysitters a copy of it. 7. Telling someone at work about what has happened. Ask that person to screen your calls. If you have a PPO that includes where you work, consider giving your boss a copy of it and a picture of the abuser. Think about and practice a safety plan for your workplace. This should include going to and from work. 8. Not using the same stores or businesses that you did when you were with your abuser. 9. Someone that you can call if you feel down. Call that person if you are thinking about going to a support group or workshop. 10. Safe way to speak with your abuser if you must. 11. Going over your safety plan often.
WARNING: Abusers try to control their victim's lives. When abusers feel a loss of control - like when victims try to leave them - the abuse often gets worse. Take special care when you leave. Keep being careful even after you have left.
Personal Protection Orders - PPO's
What is a Personal Protection Order?
A personal protection order, or PPO, is an order issued by the Circuit Court. It can protect you from being hit, threatened, harassed, or stalked by another person. The PPO may also stop someone from coming into your home or bothering you at work. It can stop them from buying a firearm or finding your address through school records. It can also stop them from taking your minor children unless required by the court.
Where can I get a PPO?
You can get the forms at the Juvenile Intake Office at a County Courthouse
What should I bring?
• A letter telling the court what has been going on. Make sure to tell them everything. Include dates and details the best you can. • Police reports, medical records, photographs, or witnesses if you can get them. • Any information about the abuser - current address, date of birth or age, hair color, eye color, height, weight, address, Social Security number, or driver's license number. • Any court papers you have if you can get them. For example, custody and/or parenting time orders, lease agreement, divorce papers, or criminal case records.
Emotional and Practical Support
• Listen to what they tell you without judging them • Believe what they tell you—remember most people downplay the abuse they are experiencing; so in most cases it will be worse than they are describing • Acknowledge their fear and taking their concerns seriously • Let them know the abuse is not their fault, and that they don't have to put up with it • Ask them what you can do to help them In general, keep what they have told you confidential unless they give you permission to tell others. If, in a crisis, you believe your friend or their children are at immediate risk of harm you can call the police.
Encourage the person to make his or her own decisions. You can help them to make decisions if they want you too, but don't tell them what to do.
Theresa Dawson
Theresa Dawson has been a sergeant and twenty year veteran with the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department. She also serves as the Board President for the Antelope Valley Domestic Violence Council (AVDVC) also known as Valley Oasis. She has been working with the agency for the past 10 years.
As a patrol deputy, she responded to numerous domestic violence calls—often to the same addresses over and over again. She would often leave feeling frustrated and helpless. She would ask herself, "Why do they keep calling for help when they won't do anything to help themselves." Then while working in Community Relations / Crime Prevention, she was given the opportunity to attend a board meeting with the AVDVC. She met some incredible women, and learned some of the reasons why they stayed. She joined the cause, and has been there ever since.
Over the last 20 years, Law enforcement has come a long way in the way we handle domestic violence / family disturbance calls. What was once handled as a "family matter" is now taken much more seriously. If men or women are in a domestic violence situation, we recommend getting a restraining order. While a piece of paper cannot save your life, it is a great tool for law enforcement officers in keeping people safe. In the academy, new recruits are given 8-10 hours of instruction on domestic violence. Additional training is also given after graduation.
As an instructor for the domestic violence classes given in the Academy, she is able to provide students with a unique experience as someone who has seen this societal issue from all sides. As a law enforcement officer, and as a volunteer in the community, she has been very blessed to work with an incredible staff, and a CEO with a great vision.
Her husband, Jack Dawson, is a network administrator for the Edwards AFB hospital. Jack and Theresa have been happily married for 17 years, and have three daughters (Christen 20, Brittany 16, and Deanna 15) and one grandson (Jesse, 11 months).
For more information or to reach Sgt. Dawson, contact:
Antelope Valley Domestic Violence Council (DBA: Valley Oasis) Post Office Box 2980 Lancaster, CA 93539 Hotline # 800-282-4808
Carol Crabson, LCSW
Carol Crabson graduated from the University of Redlands, Johnston College with a B.A. degree in Humanistic Psychology and a minor in Sociology. She went on to get her Master’s degree in Social Work from UCLA in l984 and passed her state licensing in l986.
Carol has worked in a wide variety of jobs since her graduation that includes: psychiatric inpatient, children’s group homes, working with SED children in the schools, and developed a teen suicide prevention program in Riverside County schools. In addition, she has spent 16 years working with victims of child abuse. She was the clinical director for the Children’s Center of the Antelope Valley for 5 ½ years and has worked as the Executive Director of the Antelope Valley Domestic Violence Council.
Some of Carol’s credits include: Expert Witness on the Montel Williams Show, Participating in a Lifetime television documentary that won national awards entitled “Hidden Victims- children of domestic violence”. She was Woman of the Year in Los Angeles County in 2000 and Citizen of the Year in the Antelope Valley in 2002. She has provided trainings for the Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department and students at Cal State Los Angeles. Ms. Crabson was a featured speaker at a training regarding male victims sponsored by Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles and was a presenter at the International Training on Family Violence in San Diego California.
]]>http://www.communicationartscompany.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry081212-1806242008-12-12T00:00:00Z2008-12-12T00:00:00ZWhat is a Gang/Bully?Show Air Date: Dec. 7, 2008
If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle. - Sun Tzu
Mommy? Daddy? What is a Gang/ Bully?
W/ Special Guests:
Detective Mark Marbach Detective Raymond V Bercini & Ex Gang Member/Youth Minister - Jahmy Graham
"A gang is for surviving deprivation and trauma ..." A "gang" represents family and belonging.
How much do we all try to fit in?
Does getting upset or depressed cause us to join things we wouldn't normally join as a way to feel better about ourselves through others?
Gangs flourish because the needs of people in a neighborhood or culture or family are not being met.
A gang, fills a void.
W/ Jahmy Graham
What was Jahmy's Void? Deprivation? Trauma?
Jahmy is now a gentle and inspirational young man, 25 years of age. Jahmy grew up in the impoverished areas of Los Angeles' San Fernando Valley, California amid the negative influences of neighborhood gang life. Initiated into a gang at the young age of 10, Jahmy participated in a life of drugs, sex, violence, and criminal activity.
He was expelled from elementary school in the 5th grade for bringing a firearm to school.
At 14, he participated in a drive by shooting, which led to a charge of attempted murder—later reduced to assault with a deadly weapon. He subsequently served close to 2 years in juvenile hall and boot camp.
While he was incarcerated as a youth, he decided that he wanted to change his life. He made a pledge to himself: When I leave this cell, the gang is going to stay in it. There was only one problem: He didn't know where to start.
Then he met someone at New Directions for youth—the nonprofit agency where he was fulfilling his court-mandated community service and drug testing. This person shared with him that he had lived a similar life at one point. He told Jahmy that Jesus Christ could change his life. He subsequently invited Jahmy to church.
Today he is a very active member of Bethany Community Church Outreach in Granada Hills, California. He plays the drums and the bass guitar, and is an active member of the youth ministry. He reaches out to his generation to help young people in similar situations to those of his past to change their lives for the better. He visits juvenile detention centers and prisons to spread the good news of hope and change.
Truly, his life has been completely different. He has graduated Magna Cum Laude with his Bachelor's degree in Business Administration from the American Jewish University, formerly the University of Judaism--where he was one of the university’s top business students. He is currently completing his MBA there as well in Nonprofit Management. He plans to pursue a law degree, and specialize in ‘‘Fighting for the little guy/gal”.
He is the proud husband of Nzinga Graham, the love of his life and a 4th-year medical student at UCLA.
Family Gang
Did families fight against each other in the Civil War? Yes they did! Do parents drink, do drugs or hurt each other or even their own kids? Yes they do! Do siblings dominate and hurt each other? Yes they do? Can family members, aunts, uncles, cousins pit each other against one another? Yes they can!
What Causes a Gang....
...Angry, scared, shameful, insecure, pressured, abused, scared, sad, depressed kids and adults.
A gang is a type of prostitution where you sell your heart and soul for a "feeling" of community. The Nazi's were a gang.
When you are not in a state of self awareness and self love, pain becomes a common thread of connection and it is pain that creates the bond of loyalty.
For this "family" feel to work and feed the "high" ego, there is someone or something to be against. A joined enemy to fight. This is for a sense of power and strength based on the original feeling or experience of powerlessness. Powerful is dominating and self satisfying. This is not to be confused with a non-harmful state called Empowered!
Some gangs, not all, evolve into formal organizations with social, economic, or political functions, and have older members. Gangs also organize within certain institutions, such as prisons and the military, with variable ties to outside street gangs or organizations.
If we struggle with our physical realm as far as:
(hunger, thirst, shelter, sex, and other bodily issues, we can be susceptible to joining organizations that are not based in truth and love. This also goes for many kinds of controlling groups such as cults etc.)
(Many times we join things for security and protection from physical and emotional harm).
When the heart and self esteem issues are not met:
(We crave acceptance, friends, success and / or achievements, status for self fulfillment)
We are creatures that need a sense of belonging at home, school, play or work. • Belongingness (affection, belonging) • Esteem (self-respect) • Self-Actualization (the drive to fulfill)
According to Maslow, as Police's definition of a gang is: a group of individuals, juvenile and or adult, who associate on a continuous basis that...form an allegiance for a common purpose, are involved in delinquent or criminal activity.
The gang may range from a loose knit group of individuals who hang around together and commit crimes together, to a formal organization with a leader or ruling council, gang colors, gang identifiers, and a gang name.
Must we unite by having a common enemy and be against someone? Hey this concept on a smaller scale is called Gossip!
In early usage, the word gang referred to a group of workmen.
Today's street gangs are very different.
Today, sophisticated gang operations have members crossing state lines establishing syndicates and recruiting members as young as 10 years old in communities across the country. (And we have Jahmy to tell us this is so.) Gangs use children because they know that whatever the child under thirteen does, he or she cannot go to jail. These criminal organizations engage in high-stakes narcotics and weapons trafficking, gambling, robbery and other equally serious crimes. Never before have gangs been so mobile and so dangerous, and the problem is spreading.
FACTS
At lease 400,000 youths are currently in gangs nationwide. (FBI) Violent street gangs are active in 94 percent of all medium and large sized cities in America. (Journal of American Medical Association)
Many of these cities have up to 40 different gangs.
(The American Street Gang)
Gangs in Schools
According to the most recent U.S. Justice Department surveys, somewhere around 760,000 kids are hanging, fighting, and pushing drugs in 24,000 different gangs. In 2000, 95 percent of law enforcement respondents "identified [gang] activity within one or more of the high schools in their jurisdictions. Ninety-one percent reported gang activity within one or more intermediate schools".
Basically, there are two major gang alliances in the United States:
Within those alliances are the actual gangs (in the same way that the American League includes the Yankees and Red Sox).
The Folk Nation, for example, boasts of big names like the Los Angeles-based and Chicago-based
The People Nation are the and
"You see a kid with a jacket hanging on their left shoulder— they're telling you they're Folk Nation, could be Crip." They might pull their left pocket out, roll up their left pant leg, or wear their belt buckle to the left.
Regular baseball caps are very big. Why are all the kids in one New Jersey project wearing Pittsburgh Steelers caps? Because the team's colors also are Latin Kings colors.
Why are other East Coast kids wearing Kansas City Chiefs caps? Because "KC" means "Kill Crips."
Tattoos are telling, too. Don't believe the kid who tells you that his "MOB" tattoo means "man of business," or "money over bitches”, It often means "Member of Bloods”.
Or look for strands of colored beads, sometimes modified rosaries, which are popular among the most faithful gang members.
TIPS:
• Be a good listener to your child and help them develop their self esteem and own their mistakes and recover and change. • Watch for negative influences; meet friends and parents of friends. • Communicate with them about their hopes and dreams as well as their fears and concerns. • Help motivate and cultivate their talents or wishes. • Be a role model, show your children how to deal appropriately with conflicts and problems. • Discuss the importance of school and doing your best. Emphasize good study habits and the strength in self discipline. • Establish rules and set limits. Be consistent and fair with a follow through of your words and behaviors. • Volunteer at your child's school. • Teach accountability for time spent, money and clothes. • Spend quality time with children. • Show respect for a child's thoughts and feelings.
Yes, the Gang feelings are in the WORKPLACE Too!
While hard to quantify, workplace bullying is clearly costly for employees as well as employers.
About 45% of individuals targeted by bullies at work suffer stress-related health problems, according to the Zogby survey. 1. cardiovascular problems 2. an impaired immune system 3. debilitating anxiety 4. post-traumatic stress disorder
Gary Namie, is the director of the Workplace Bullying Institute and president of Work Doctor, a consulting firm that specializes in correcting and preventing workplace bullying.
Companies have to pay in employee turnover and employee absenteeism becomes more frequent.
To a small extent, workers' compensation claims occur. Bullies can tarnish an organization's reputation and ability to recruit, since word gets around when employees are miserable and leaving in droves.
Bullying is repeated, deliberate, disrespectful behavior toward another for the bully’s gratification.
This is high ego and a master / slave mentality with an addict "high" moment. There is no empathy here for the pain being caused which means this person was hurt in a way they are now numb to, internally, and they are passing on their pain to others. This is why child abuse is so communally harming and affects everyone eventually.
Workplace bullying is about difficult people who may or may not be behaving this way deliberately. They may actually be unaware. Bullying can be a behavior passed down from family members, coaches etc. therefore, the behavior feels normal and the awareness gone.
Bullies are out for self-gratification feeding a low ego striving for the high ego. Difficult people are not necessarily out to harm another; they are out to protect their own needs emotionally, mentally, physically, sexually or financially..
You can possibly reason and negotiate with a difficult person.
You cannot reason or negotiate with bullies.
Detective Raymond V. Bercini
Ray is a 19-year veteran of the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department. He is currently assigned to Operations Safe Streets Bureau, as a gang investigator. Born and raised in Southern California, he made the decision to join the Sheriff’s Department in 1990. He has worked several different assignments, which include, County Jails, Street Patrol, Gang Enforcement ...and was promoted to the rank of Gang Detective in 2000. He has been involved in programs working with the most at-risk youth, who live in gang-infested neighborhoods throughout Los Angeles County.
He has facilitated and taught self development and cognitive skill curricula to professional staff, parent groups, youth and gang members.
Detective Bercini is also currently working with a multi agency collaborative that specializes in hardcore gang intervention strategies. This involves formalized training, to professionalize former gang members and community partners who all are working to end gang violence in Los Angeles.
He is also a co-founder and a technical advisory board member of the non-profit, community-wide project “A Better LA” (www.abetterla.com)
and sits on the Board of Directors for the “Sole of Africa” (www.thesoleofafrica.org).
Detective Bercini is also one of the co-founder of “Core Plan International” (www.coreplan.org), an organization dedicated to working with youth and transforming communities worldwide. He currently resides in Santa Clarita with his wife of 24 years, Deanna, their four children and grand daughter.
I work and train with allot of intervention specialist (mostly former gang members), our collaborative reaches approximately 20 different gang neighborhoods, crossing the racial and territorial barriers.
Detective Mark Marbach
40 yrs old is married with 3 children. He has a BA in History, from CSUN.
As a Deputy Sheriff (Gang Detective) my primary mission with my current assignment deals is to investigate gang related crimes in our area. I have specific gangs that are assigned to me and I am responsible for gathering intelligence on the gang regarding things such as membership, activities, rivalries, who’s active, etc. By maintaining a working knowledge of the gang, I try to identify suspects in various crimes believed to be committed by members of the gang.
I work with a team of 9 other gang investigators, each has his/her own targeted gangs, but we assist one another in gathering intelligence and investigating crimes.
Typically we focus on gang related: Murder, attempt murder, assaults with and without firearms, robberies, weapons possession and stolen vehicles.
Our mission is primarily enforcement. Identify who the gang members are committing these types of crimes. Build a case, seek prosecution through the District Attorney’s Office and work with the DA till there is a conviction.
I was hired by the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Dept. in December 1990. I graduated the Academy, April 1991.
Custody assignments - Men’s Central Jail (1991) Regimented Inmate Diversion Program (Boot camp for inmates) (1991 – 1993)
Pitchess Detention Center – Minimum and Medium security facilities (1993 – 1997)
Patrol assignment – Temple Sheriff’s Station (San Gabriel Valley) (1997 – 2001)
Field training officer
Specialized assignments – Operation Safe Streets Bureau (Sheriff’s Dept. Gang Unit)
Gang Enforcement Team (2001 – 2004)
Investigator (Detective) (2004 – Present)
]]>http://www.communicationartscompany.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry081205-1514502008-12-05T00:00:00Z2008-12-05T00:00:00ZSoulmate or Cell Mate with Author Jackie WoodsShow Air Date: Nov. 30, 2008
Happy= Glad= Content=Lucky= Fortunate… Thanks=The Expressing of Gratitude… Give=bestow= deliver.
I am Glad and Content when I see myself and life as Lucky which is another word for feeling Fortunate. It is from this word that I begin to express myself energetically and verbally through Gratitude. Then I can Bestow and Deliver it to others and create from this.
P.S. Could this be why we like turkey? Turkey has that L-Tryptophan in it which relaxes and can even put us to sleep…which makes me glad, feel lucky and fortunate which enables me to express myself grateful and delivering my restful self /or lazy self depending, on to others. Happy Turkey Day I say!
You can get L-tryptophan as a healthy sleep aid that is organic from some health food stores. Santa Monica Homeopathic Pharmacy is one of the carriers. http://www.smhomeopathic.com/ Tel: (310) 395-1131
Be aware during the Holidays!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don’t overdue… Rest is an important ingredient in life and vacations. Partaking in high sugar and bread, alcohol or drugs is not loving, resting, or safe playing. Comprende?
So to lose “you” in the Holidays is common and often painful. How many times do Holidays sound despairing or fun and turn to obligation, addiction, family mood swings, ignoring yourself and each other, and feeling like a prisoner within your own anger, fear, guilt, and shame? Becoming a prisoner of circumstances, yourself and others, be it friends or family is common as it all begins with Thanksgiving.
Mona says:
Cell mate is……
• Someone I feel an emotional hostage with. • I or they are not honest. • I project my past on to others and play it out as if it’s real. • Someone projects their past onto me. • Feeling trapped. • Self Beating and in self dislike or hate. • Judging each other. Etc.
Soulmate is………
• Someone I feel understood by. • Someone I understand. • Communication is respectful with self awareness. • Intuition is active to where you can sense the other person’s thoughts feelings and truths. • Psyche sees past the physical seeing. • Telepathy is the type of communication from the inner mind and heart back and forth. • Only through knowing yourself- good, bad and ugly with no shame or guilt can this truly grow in these deep levels.
So today we are going to look at this from a different angle with author and owner of and Bed and Breakfast healing vacation experience on the 100 acre dreamland in North Carolina, Jackie Woods.
She is the founder and CEO of the Adawehi (Ah-dah-way-hee) Institute, Healing School, and Wellness Center in Columbus, North Carolina where she teaches both on-site and Internet-based classes, workshops, and conducts personal counseling sessions. Her work has been featured in numerous publications and she frequently appears on national and regional radio and television. Woods is also the author of two previous books, Journey to Ultimate Spirituality and Spiritual Energy Cycles.
Continuing education courses from Adawehi are: Chiropractic, Massage Therapy, Colon Hydro therapy, Acupressure with Color and Sound, Life Counseling, Music Imagery for children, and Herbal Therapy are all provided by healers who excel in their arts.
While visiting, there are many possibilities for nurturing yourself: • Take a carefree walk along the trail • Tour the biodynamic garden • Meet other visitors, residents, and students at a variety of community events on campus • Shop at the gift shop in the Adawehi Institute building • Treat yourself to a session with one or more of the ten healers • Meditate at the Healing Center • Exercise at the Institute Circuit Training Room • Enjoy a snack from Beneficial Foods • Listen to the water rushing along the creek • Take a healthy cooking class or one of the many classes available • Watch the birds, dragonflies, and fireflies in season • Count the stars in the dark, clear sky…
Jackie Woods the Author
“Soulmate or Cell-mate”
About the Author Jackie Woods was born with a highly attuned psychic gift that has helped her bring deep insight to her counseling sessions with couples. She uses this gift to help uncover the real heart intents of couples that takes the relationship past their original complaint list.
Soulmates “Made Not Found”, Says Jackie
Columbus, N.C. – Finding and keeping the ideal partner is a problem that has obsessed people since time began. We all want to find that perfect soul mate—that special person who will read our thoughts, think and feel the same way and know exactly what we want, without us needing to ask. The popularity of reality dating shows, like ABC’s “The Bachelor,” is evidence that most people still dream and hope to find their ideal soul mates.
However, evidence from marriage studies shows that the majority of singles will never marry their soul mates. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 50 percent of first marriages end in separation or divorce within 20 years. In light of these statistics, do you still try to find a soulmate, or just settle for a cell mate?
The chance of finding someone who matches all your fantasies is almost non-existent; finding someone who could become your soul mate is possible. All it takes is making changes to your definition of a soul mate relationship.
“The idea that a soulmate is our ‘missing half’ perpetuates the fantasy that there is one perfect person who will make us feel complete,” says Woods. “After counseling hundreds of couples, I’ve found that this belief is very destructive in relationships because it sets people up for disillusionment and frustration. The key is to get proactive and realize that the one with whom you choose to invest your time, effort, commitment and love will become the soulmate for you.”
“Communication is practiced. Understanding is developed,” concludes Woods. “My goal in writing this book is to give people hope and show them that a soulmate relationship is achievable with willingness, determination, and love.”
So what are you going to give thanks for and change in you and your life for the upcoming Holidays?
Summary
After counseling couples for more than 25 years, it became clear to Jackie Woods that one relationship trouble spot repeatedly emerges. It is the flawed concept that a person must have the right resume of patterns for a relationship to work. Instead, Woods contends that a relationship is a collection of heart gifts, assembled in a balanced way, by two people, for the purpose of creating a third entity called “relationship.” When couples begin to understand that they are a composite of heart qualities (or heart energies) rather than a resume of patterned behaviors, they will have more flexibility in agreeing on new forms for expression.
Soulmate or Cell Mate offers practical tools for relationship improvement. However, Woods contends that tools are only effective after each partner has identified the heart qualities that they possess and what activities best fit their expression. So, rather than make relationships a series of right steps, this book offers a refreshing new look at how to become the kind of person who can create a Soulmate relationship.
]]>http://www.communicationartscompany.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry081125-1256302008-11-25T00:00:00Z2008-11-25T00:00:00ZHow About a Personal Bail Out / Strategy...Air Date: Nov. 23, 2008
What is a bail out?
With Special Guest: Stephen Hall,E.A.
tax and financial advisor
See below for more information on Stephen
Would you say that you or we as a
whole are in a state of Economic Crisis?
A crisis is-a turning point. A decisive time, moment. A time of suspense. Let’s look at what is happening: • Banks are folding! • The Treasury Secretary Paulson Does not want to bail out the banks with the 700B Even though 3 weeks ago he stated it was critical to take care of our economy. • People are not spending; Starbucks profits are down 97% • The Detroit BIG 3 (automotive industry)- What is going to happen??
We need a turning point in our world to grow in responsibility, depth and as humanitarians. Greed and selfishness has been our recent past behavior as a way of finding our "selves" from the master / slave mentality. As usual the pendulum swung too far the other way and now we are looking for understanding and balance. The greed and selfishness was a reaction from the generation before of suppression, denial, and a master/slave mentality.
Can this be an opportunity in your lifetime? In so many ways, yes.
I often wonder if Rome and the legend of Atlantis...... grew too fast economically and intellectually without wisdom and responsibility of the heart and soul.
Could we be the generation that makes our minds connect to our own and each other’s hearts and souls so we do not achieve, destroy and implode as history has done?
Keys to learning and growing in our "Economic Crisis"
or shall we say........
"Our Suspenseful Turning Point"?
Spiritually, find the truth and own it with no shame. Know your worth is inside not in your achievements and financial wealth. Not that you can't have wealth. Understand your own and other’s hurts and mistakes and open up to recover without added guilt, shame and punishment.
Mentally, catch old tapes of brain washings that you no longer can agree with if they are built on lies, guilt, manipulation, addiction, disconnection, and judgment of yourself and others. No more bigotry for differences.
Emotionally, do not judge feelings as bad, ridiculous or crazy... for you see, that is what will cause crazy. Let your feelings out in exercise form and hear their message from a state of understanding. Many times, feelings are messengers and metaphors and stem from memories or blocked instances that you do not feel ready to deal with. Be nice to yourself when the feelings are active, but do not necessarily lead or make decisions from them, just understand them like you would a child.
Physically, be healthy and nice to the home (body) that which carries your mind, heart and soul.
Financially, have boundaries and keep learning what is real and true and be aware of the "more" monster !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! More is the black abyss where there is no end to its hunger.
An economic bailout is when a bankrupt or nearly bankrupt party (like Lehman Brothers) is helped by another party (like the US government) giving them asset, that can be easily converted to cash. This infusion of liquid assets frees up the troubled party to meet its short term obligations. In return, the helping party will often receive controlling interest.
So, when you hear that AIG has 1 trillion dollars worth of assets, you may wonder why they need a bailout and ask “Why don't they just sell their own assets"?
The key word when you are talking about assets is liquid (available cash). The companies in crisis have illiquid assets (no or little money). An illiquid asset is not readily saleable due to uncertainty about its value or it lacks a market in which it can be traded. In other words, no one is going to buy mortgage company assets because the value is uncertain and there are not buyers for the troubled loans, where they are most often worth less than what is owed.
When a large company is on the verge of a failure that will have vast long term effects, the government views this as “too big to fail.” They will step in for a bailout in order to stop wide spread economic repercussions and panic that result in depressions. What the U.S. government is proposing to do in the mortgage bailout will be the largest since the Great Depression.
95% of homeowners are paying their notes on time. 5% that are in trouble are in a bind because most bought something that they couldn't pay for.
I am so sad we have to sometimes hurt to learn. Personal responsibility is a part of life at every age. This stinks I know, but we can survive and be better in the long run if we grow, learn and change our beliefs and habits.
The sentence truth above feelings and desires is so important.
Small Business could be the Economic Bailout
Small business is the economic backbone of America and certainly the path to any economic bailout, we need to acknowledge that fact as well.
While large businesses have lost more than 170,000 jobs over the last six months, small businesses are seeing their employment sector grow. Over 200,000 small business jobs have been created in that time. New data shows a continuation of this trend. How small business makes money, who they serve, when and where they work has little to do with the Dow Jones Index - which is made up of just 30 companies.
What is short selling?
Short selling is the borrowing shares of a company and then selling them in hopes that their value will fall. When that happens, short sellers buy the shares back at a lower price to repay the loan and reap a profit.
If the value falls, financial companies loaded with bad debt had become prime targets for short sellers. The SEC said it had become concerned that this practice "may be causing sudden and excessive fluctuations of the prices of such securities in such a manner so as to threaten fair and orderly markets".
IS THIS A DEPRESSION OR A RECESSION?
Let's use Target as a picture of what's happening. A little over $150 million, of average receivables (meaning Target customers are not paying their Target charges) have two missed payments or more leading to an account of $225 million. Bad-debt expense is killing the retailers as well as their being no money available for loans. Bad debt has more than doubled to $314 million from a year earlier as more customers default on credit-card bills.
American Express Co. had its highest monthly increase in credit-card delinquencies on record in October as jobless claims rose. American Express has been battered by rising delinquencies and higher funding costs. The New York-based company became eligible for government funds when it won Federal Reserve approval to become a commercial bank on Nov. 11 as frozen credit markets choked off affordable financing.
First came the crisis over bad paper. Now the crisis could get worse because of bad plastic. At the same time, it's becoming harder to get new credit.
Americans have almost $1 trillion of credit card debt outstanding. Defaults are rising. A lot of mortgage loans had no boundaries from the beginning. Therefore loans between organizations are not bound in truth. Evaluations by ratings agencies were not thorough.
Obama is now the next president:
How will he affect your money???
According to Obama’s team- he will help all Americans that earn under $200,000 those that earn above $200,000 your taxes will go up! But there are still tax benefits to you as well!
Steven says… About Obama and Health Care, to revise Health Care in his first year could be political suicide. To touch that right now will create higher taxes. Every country worldwide that has nationalized health care has taxes over 50%. Right now the average American pays under 20% in taxes!! This topic may be a second term presidential issue.
Financial Check list: Buy assets wisely! Buy Stocks and Real Estate – Come up with a systematic game plan to be a part of the real estate adjustments that are finally affordable in your area! If you are feeling the pain of what is going on- Do not worry! There is relief out there!
• The Government is forgiving the taxation of a foreclosure if you are losing your primary residence. • If you have a bad loan- or if you are not sure you have a bad loan- you can possibly modify your loan. • If you have massive credit card debt and do not know where to start- we can help – there are solutions out there!
How can you work in this economy? 1. Save money for a down payment on your new home and/or rental property. 2. Save money for retirement- start aggressively funding your 401K and Retirement Plans- Put the money in a Money Market fund for now! 3. Look at your loan documents and find out what kind of loan you have! 4. Get ready for the biggest sale of assets in our lifetime!
The market is going to get worse before it gets better: here is why: Just like physical illness, you can get weaker, have a surgery to help mend and then heal and be stronger in the long run. Right?
How can we learn to live?
Ask yourself questions of need before purchasing anything, including groceries.
Don’t use credit cards.
Watch you gas.
When shopping, take the specific amount you plan to spend, and stick to it.
Practice saying "no" to things like a self parent.
Clearance items are usually not necessary.
Pack a lunch: you can easily save $40-$60 per month, just by bringing items with you.
Shop at consignment shops: Try cutting your family's wardrobe budget. Designer clothes in excellent condition can be purchased for about 20% of their original cost. If second hand clothes are not for you, at least make it a point to shop from the clearance rack. It can make a huge difference.
Have a "no-spending" weekend: It is necessary to take a break from our usual routine in order to get our budget back on track. Try making it through an entire weekend without spending any money. It really can be done! For entertainment, you can watch old movies, play at the park, or go for a family bike ride.
Trim Your Grocery Bill: Eat less meat. It is a proven fact that it takes longer for your body to digest meat than any other food anyway. Give your body and your budget a healthy break by having one or two meatless meals per week.
Compare sale ads: Most weekly specials can be checked online. Go to a different store for the sales. Comparing sales may take a bit of time, but if it saves you $25-$50 with each weekly shopping trip, it is certainly worth the effort.
Buy the store brand. Yes, it's true that sometimes the generic brand is really the name brand just labeled as the store brand. Buying Groceries: Buy your produce from the farmer's market. Most towns have one, even if they only set up one day per week. During the fall season is usually when the farmers market is around. Check your local paper to find one in your area.
Gas: Gas prices have come down. Now let's learn some gas saving tips so you'll be prepared for a hike before it arrives.
Junk in the Trunk: Remove roof racks and extra cargo from the trunk. Your trunk is not a storage unit. Extra weight causes reduced fuel efficiency. Unused roof racks can cost you a whopping 2-4 miles per gallon because of the wind resistance they cause.
Slow down! Every 5mph that you drive over 60mph can reduce gas mileage by 10%. Leave the house ten or fifteen minutes earlier.
If you’re not out of a job or on the verge of having your house foreclosed, please hold a center. Do not pick up others issues or fears. You are no good to yourself or others in fear that is not true for you.
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Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our desires, righteous ways, stubbornness, narrow mindedness and addiction - that our lives had become stuck, anxious, confusing, depressing and unmanageable. 
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